


Tomorrow Will Be Better (we just have to make it through today)

by RealityKilledTheDreamer



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke in Polis, Clexa, F-F relationship, F/F, Fix-It, Lexa Lives, Lexa finds Clarke in the woods, Minor Character Deaths, Violence, minor OC's - Freeform, post 2x16
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-31 10:12:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6466264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealityKilledTheDreamer/pseuds/RealityKilledTheDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I wanted to stay Clarke”  </p>
<p>----</p>
<p>When Lexa finds an injured and confused Clarke in the woods, she takes her back to Polis. For the first time since landing on the ground, surrounded by the frivolities and celebrations of a peacetime Polis, Clarke finds a home.<br/>But the Sky people are threatening the peace, and Lexa and Clarke must do everything they can to avoid an all out war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been floating around in my head for a while now, and with the death of Lexa i decided i'd finally write it. Probably a really bad idea as my final A level exams are in less that 11 weeks and i kinda need to get 3 A's, but oh well. 
> 
> so basically this is a multi-chapter fic with lots of Clexa. It has some elements of series 3 (mainly just the issues with Pike) but it doesn't follow the plot. 
> 
> It is also posted on fancfiction under the same name.
> 
> Enjoy :)

The thirst.  
That had been the worst.  
The unbearable hunger, and the weariness that threatened to overwhelm her were nothing compared to the insatiable thirst. It had gone now, replaced with a tiredness so great that nothing could seem to shift it. Somewhere in the back of her mind alarm bells were ringing; being the daughter of a medic had taught her much about the body, and she knew that feeling no thirst at all was a bad sign, yet she couldn’t bring herself to care; she deserved this.

She deserved to die for what she’d done, and she deserved to suffer beforehand, but she wanted the release of death so badly, she couldn’t live with the pain, it was strong and demanded to be felt. It was like nothing she’d ever experienced before. She thought she could never feel as bad as when her father was floated, but this was a different type of anguish, for mingled in with the hurt was an overwhelming guilt and self loathing. She hated every inch of herself for doing what she did. She killed innocent people; people who had done nothing wrong. They were killed for simply being born to the mountain, and she couldn’t stop thinking about them; about the bodies - She would never unsee the sight that met her eyes when she stepped inside the mountain.  
Clarke’s legs stopped moving forwards, and she fell to the ground in a heap; her body too weak to support itself any longer. She curled up, ready for death to claim her when she felt a strange sensation in her fingers. She moved them, and realised she was lying in a puddle. She summoned her last ounces of strength and lifted her head from the cool ground.

Water. She was lying in water.

It was everywhere.  
It wasn’t just a puddle, it was a lake. An enormous lake stretching out into the horizon, and instantly Clarke forgot. She forgot about everything that had lead her up to this point; the human instinct for survival kicked in, and she drank. She drank, and she drank and she drank. She drank until she thought she would burst, until her stomach was painfully full, and still she was thirsty. She forced herself to stop, and crawled over to a nearby tree, slumping against the trunk, the exhaustion finally overwhelming her. She closed her eyes, and willed for them never to open again.

She was walked through the metallic corridors in the mountain, stepping over the dead, tears running down her face. She’d done this, she’d killed all those people. They were dead because of her. She could taste the metallic tang of blood on her tongue, and she closed her eyes, unable to look at them anymore.  
“mommy?”  
Clarke opened her eyes at the sound; it was a child’s voice. She looked in the direction of the noise and gasped in shock, she couldn’t believe her eyes. Over in the corner was a small boy, around 4 or 5, shaking his mother in an attempt to wake her. He had his back to Clarke, but she could sense the fear in his voice. Clarke moved towards him, but stumbled over a body and hit her arm on the wall. She yelped in pain. The boy turned around, and Clarke screamed at what she saw. His face was bloodied and half hanging off, leaving his eye socket exposed. He smiled at her, a gruesome, menacing smile, and waked towards her. Clarke kept screaming, she screwed her eyes tight shut and fought the urge not to be sick.

“Clarke” A voice murmured gently. When there was no response, it tried again, but louder “Clarke, it’s okay, it wasn’t real”

  
A flicker of recognition sparked in Clarke’s mind. The voice was familiar, comforting.  
It spoke again

  
“Clarke, i’m here. it’s okay, it was just a nightmare”  
Then it clicked

  
“Dad?” Clarke whispered in disbelief. She opened her eyes slowly.  
There, stood in the clearing ahead, was her father. His face was exactly how she remembered it, and his watch was strapped firmly to his wrist.

  
“Clarke” he smiled, his eyes kind “you’ve been so brave”  
At those words, the memories of what she’d done came bubbling to the surface. She wasn’t the same person she had been; she was wicked and heartless. She wanted her father’s forgiveness, she wanted him to make things right again, but he couldn’t. Nothing could change what she’d done.

  
“I’ve killed people” She said, her voice cracking as a sob fought its way out “I didn’t just let them die, I killed them”  
Her dad came no closer, but his expression softened

  
“My sweet sweet Clarke. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You had no choice” He started, his voice even and gentle. “You have been so strong, you have kept your people alive. They look up to you Clarke, they believe in you. They believe in what’s in here” he said, tapping a finger above his heart. “They were lost Clarke, and you guided them when nobody else would. You saved them, gave them hope for a future. You were a child when you were sent down here, but you have grown into a leader.”  
He took a step closer to Clarke “You may have scarified a few lives, but you did it to save the many. You protected your people, just as Lexa protected hers.”

At the mention of her name, Clarke’s heart tore into a million pieces all over again. Lexa abandoned her people, and she betrayed Clarke’s trust. Clarke had cared for her, deeply. She still did, and she’d begun to think that Lexa cared about her too. That underneath the cold commander, there was a softer side, a part of her that wasn’t a commander, that was just Lexa. And worst of all, she’d begun to think that maybe they stood a chance, maybe they could be happy together.  
Lexa had ruined that, but Clarke couldn’t find it in herself to hate her for it. She was too consumed with the hatred of herself, but she the betrayal had cut deep, and it stung.

“She betrayed us, she left my people to die” Clarke replied, anguish clear in her voice “She betrayed me”

  
“She did what had to be done to save her people Clarke, you of all people should know how that feels. She had to put them first” Her dad responded calmly, he always was the voice of reason. He had a way of making people see things differently. “It was her duty to them”

Clarke knew he was right, she had always known. But still it hurt, the wound ran deep. Deep into Clarke’s broke, damaged heart. A heart so full of love, and hope, but also of misery and of guilt.  
“But what about me? She left me there to die. She left me.” Clarke cried, the hurt clear in her voice. “I needed her and she left me. I thought she cared, i thought we had something. But how could we if she could just leave me there to die? Leave me there to carry the guilt of all those lives lost because of me! If she’d been there maybe it would have been different!” The hurt had turned to anger.

  
“Clarke, it was not Lexa that made the decision to save her people and leave” Her father said, closing the distance between them and pulling her up into a warm embrace. Clarke pulled back so she could see his face.

  
“What do you mean?! Of course it wa-” She began, but he cut her off gently

  
“It was not Lexa who made the decision. It was the Commander. What Lexa wanted was different to what the Commander needed to do for her people” Her father explained, cupping Clarke’s face with his rough palm “My beautiful Clarke, you and Lexa are one and the same - don’t you see that? Lexa left to save her people, and you did what you had to do to save yours. Believe me Clarke, I am sure the decision was not one that weighed Lightly on the commander’s conscience.”

  
She buried her face in her dad’s chest like she did when she was a child, desperately clinging to him. He couldn’t be real, but he was. She could see him, feel him, smell him. He was solid as a rock, and as real as the trees that surrounded her.

  
“What do i do?” she whispered, and her voice reflected how broken she felt.

  
“It is easy Clarke” Her father smiled “Survive”

Then she was falling. It was as if the earth had opened up beneath her an swallowed her whole. Her father was gone and everything was a green blur, she hit her arm against something sharp and intense pain shot up her arm, throbbing wildly. She was rolling now, hitting against objects on her way down; it felt like she would never stop. She must have hit her head on something, then everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :) 
> 
> The translations for the Trigedasleng are at the bottom in the notes :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it :)

Being alone in the woods usually brought Lexa peace; it was the one thing that was guaranteed to bring her solace and clarity. This time it was different. As she walked silently through the woods today, she felt quite the opposite; she was on edge and anxious, her mind reeling with a million trains of thought, never silencing. She took no pleasure in her surroundings. She had come here with one aim, and one aim only; to find Clarke.

Lexa had travelled back to Polis with her decision weighing heavily on her heart, yet she couldn’t show it. She had to be the commander her people needed, the commander her people demanded. She was Heda; fearless and unforgiving, ruthless even. Yet underneath the mask she was Lexa; hurting and hating herself for the choice she had to make.

Love is weakness.

She had tried to remind herself that over and over in vain. She was Heda, commander of her people. She had no time for feelings, they made her weak and rash. She knew that. Yet for some reason unbeknown to her, Clarke had inched her way under Lexa’s skin without even trying. She had found her way into Lexa’s heart and affected her in ways only one other person had ever managed. After Costia Lexa had vowed she would never make the same mistake again, she would never let herself love, or be loved. But Clarke had arrived in her heart without warning, full of fire and passion, of purity and love.

When she was with Clarke it was hard to believe that love was a weakness. On her journey back to Polis, she promised herself that she would never do this again; she would never hurt Clarke in this way. She couldn’t. Like it or not she was falling for Clarke, and she couldn’t sleep with the thought of Clarke hating her.

Halfway back to Polis Indra had taken her aside after spending the night watching Lexa pace back and forth whilst her warriors slept. She had demanded to know what was bothering the Commander, and when Lexa told her she had scowled in displeasure. She had lectured the Commander on the weakness of love, but it was half-heartedly, for Indra knew that Lexa made her own decisions - she was strong willed and could not be reasoned with.  
Lexa had made her mind up on the spot; she was going to find Clarke. See if she could reason with her, or at least explain why she did what she did. That it was her duty to her people.  
Indra wanted to go with her, yet Lexa insisted she would go alone.  
She had battled with Indra, until eventually they had reached a compromise; Lexa would be accompanied by Marcof, a fairly young yet very experienced warrior, and Indra would remain with the army and go back to Polis to watch over it until Lexa returned.

Lexa had gone straight to Arcadia, making the journey in record time. She had waited in the trees, blending into nature, until she spied Octavia leaving to hunt.  
Octavia had been angry when Lexa startled her in the woods, and rightly so. Octavia would barely speak to her, only to say that Lexa was too late, and that Clarke had gone into the woods days ago and never returned. Octavia would say no more, no matter how many questions Lexa fired at her retreating figure. Lexa had retreated back into the woods and started tracking Clarke, perfectly in tune with nature. Lexa had reckoned that she couldn’t have gone far; she was tired and not used to the harshness of the woods.

So that was how Lexa found herself walking silently through the woods, stopping every now and then to take a closer look at a snapped twig, or a snag of material caught on a tree, and thinking about how she really should teach Clarke how to cover her tracks better.

Marcof signalled to her that he had found something, and as she got nearer she instantly saw it; footprints, fresh by the look of them. She felt her heart soar; they were close, soon she would be reunited with Clarke.

She dreaded to see what kind of a state Clarke would be in, she was certain the girl wouldn’t know the first thing about surviving in the woods, even if she’d wanted to survive. Lexa knew Clarke, she knew that what happened at the mountain would weigh heavily on her mind - the first one always does. Clarke was full of hope, and of visions of peace. Cruelty and murder were not a part of her, they did not sit easily with her. Lexa knew she would be hating herself, and it broke Lexa’s heart to think that she could have contributed to that suffering by betraying her.

Lexa understood.

She knew what it was to make hard decisions, she knew what it was like to be haunted by the faces of those you have killed. But she also knew how after a while you become desensitised to the death, how acts of cruelty harden a person, and it becomes easier.  
She could not let Clarke die because she no longer wanted to live; she had to find a way to make her see that she had no choice, and that she did what she did for the good of her people, just as Lexa had done by leaving her at the mountain.

Marcof and Lexa followed Clarke’s tracks for a while, twisting and winding randomly. It was evident from her tracks that the girl was disorientated, and with no way of getting food Lexa guessed she was starving too. Lexa and Marcof exchanged no words, they had kept a thick layer of silence between them since they left the party heading towards Polis.

Clarke’s tracks twisted suddenly, leading them to a lake. An unsettling feeling of dread settled low down in Lexa’s stomach. She hoped to God that Clarke hadn’t drunk from it, but at the same time she knew that she probably had. The seemingly harmless lake was one well known to the Trikru, it was known as dream lake, and had been so tainted with radiation that it caused vivid hallucinations. Grounder children were told stories of people drinking from the lake, and then wandering around the forest for days, hallucinating wildly until eventually for some reason or another they die; usually from dehydration or animal attacks. Lexa knew she had to find Clarke; the girl was likely even more disorientated, and in need of aid.

“ _yu go odon der. luk gon klark_ ” Lexa whispered, pointing to where she wanted Marcof to go. He swiftly but silently moved further to the right, looking for any sign of Clarke as Lexa wandered further into the forest to her left.

She must have been walking for less that 10 minuted when she heard the voice. That painstakingly familiar voice; Clarke.  
Just hearing the faint trace of her voice made Lexa want to run and sweep her Skai prinsa up in her arms and never let go. She realised that whether love was weakness or not, Clarke made her feel whole, and she wasn’t going to deny herself happiness any longer. She didn’t deserve Clarke, but she wasn’t going to deny herself happiness any longer.

Clarke came into sight, she was just ahead in a small clearing. She was stumbling around aimlessly, and she was…talking to somebody. Her face was contorted in pain and anguish, and it broke Lexa’s heart.

“She betrayed us, she left my people to die” Clarke said, presumably in response to something whoever she was hallucinating had said.

Lexa knew she was talking about how she had left her there at the mountain. She wanted to rush forwards and explain to Clarke, try and make her understand, but she restrained herself. She forced herself to sit and listen, she needed to hear what Clarke had to say.  
“But what about me? She left me there to die. She left me.” Clarke’s voice broke, and Lexa realised that this was the root of Clarke’s anguish. Lexa had not only betrayed Clarke’s people, but betrayed her Skai prinsa.

“I needed her and she left me. I thought she cared, i thought we had something. But how could we if she could just leave me there to die? Leave me there to carry the guilt of all those lives lost because of me! If she’d been there maybe it would have been different!” Clarke’s voice was twisted in anguish, and Lexa couldn’t stand the fact that it was her fault. That she was the one who had caused such anguish in Clarke.

 _We did have something, we still do Clarke. I had to, please understand. I didn’t do it to hurt you, I did it because I had to save my people Clarke. I had no choice. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did._  
How Lexa wished she could say those words to Clarke, to her skai princess.

“What do i do?” Clarke asked, her voice broken. It tugged on Lexa’s heartstrings.

 _It’s simple, my skai prinsa, let me look after you_. _Let me love you. I will show you the way, I promise_.

That was it, she’d had enough. Lexa couldn’t stay there any longer; she had to talk to Clarke, make sure she’s okay. Get her back to Polis.

Lexa began to move towards Clarke, moving quicker when she realised with a start that Clarke was stumbling blindly to a steep drop, a cliff of sorts. She shouted out a warning but it was too late, Clarke was falling. Her heart jumped into her mouth and she ran towards the drop, jumping down and landing softly, her years of being in the forest making her one with nature.

Clarke was bloodied, but conscious. She had a nasty scrape to her head, and a lump was already beginning to form on her forehead where she’d most likely hit it against something as she fell. The rest of her seemed relatively unscathed, with the exception of her arm. Her left arm had a deep gash and was bleeding heavily; it had been sliced open on something - a rock most probably. Lexa held a hand over the wound and used her teeth to rip a piece of fabric from the sleeves of her shirt, thankful that the design of the shirt meant it was already partially shredded.

“MARCOF” she shouted, panic in her voice “ _Hos op! Em Leik Laksen_!”

Marcof was by her side in an instant, his rough hand replaced hers as he applied pressure to the wound. Lexa stuffed a strip of fabric into the wound, wincing as she heard Clarke cry out in pain

“Forgive me Clarke, I need to do this. Soon it will be over” she assured Clarke, wrapping the remaining strips around Clarke’s forearm tightly, replacing Marcof’s hands with the tightly bound fabric.

“That will have to do” Lexa said, stroking Clarke’s forehead.  
She turned to Marcof

“ _Gyon au_! Get the horses” She commanded, watching as he disappeared from view, running to where they had left their horses.

She willed him to be quicker; Clarke was bleeding. She needed to get her to Polis, and quickly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> yu go odon der. luk gon klark - you go over there, look for clarke  
> Hos op - hurry up  
> Em Leik Laksen - she’s hurt  
> Gyon au - Go!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully i should be updating this every few days, but school starts again tomorrow and my exams are looming so i don't want to make any promises! 
> 
> Enjoy :)

It was a three day ride back to Polis, but they made it in less than two. Lexa had refused to stop, urging her horse forwards until he could go no faster. She had cradled Clarke in one arm, and held the reins in the other, occasionally shaking Clarke to ensure she was still on this earth. Clarke had slid in and out of consciousness the whole time, murmuring incoherently, a look of panic and confusion on her face. Lexa thought it was down to her fever, and she had spoke softly to her on their way back; telling her stories of her childhood, and of Polis.

Lexa had sent Marcof ahead to inform Indra of the situation. If Clarke was to be seen as the formidable Wanheda, destroyer of mountains, then it was imperative that her people did not see her like this. Lexa needed Indra to help her get Clarke into Polis without any of her people finding out.

  
Clarke stirred in her arms, she had taken a sudden turn for the worst a few miles back, and Lexa felt a flood of relief when she saw the gates of Polis, standing tall amongst the forest.

  
“We’re here, _ai_ _hodnes_ ” she murmured against Clarke’s hair.

  
The gates swung open with just enough room for them to enter. Indra stood to the side, bowing her head in respect for her great leader.

  
“Welcome back He-”, Indra started, but Lexa cut her off

  
“Is everything prepared?”

  
“ _Sha_ ” Indra “The guards have gone to deal with a situation near the market, and our best _fisa_ is waiting”

  
Lexa dismissed Marcof and dismounted, striding silently through the sleeping city towards the Skaihou. Indra walked swiftly beside her

  
“I have had a room prepared for her.” Indra informed her “5th floor”

  
“She will stay in mine” Lexa said, her voice low and laced with authority. She could not be separated from Clarke, not now, not after everything.

  
“I’m not sure that is wise” Indra said carefully after a moment.

  
“It is not up to you” Lexa growled, picking up her pace. How dare Indra challenge her?

  
“Heda, think about this, please. Do not endanger your life because of misguided trust in some _skai_ _gada_ ”

  
Indra was treading dangerous territory. Lexa carried on moving forwards, a murderous calm on her face

  
“Clarke is not some _skai_ _gada_ ” She spat “Clarke is mine” Lexa regretted the words before they even left her lips. She knew exactly what she had just said. She had just claimed Clarke as her own, as her _gadalukot_.

  
Indra stopped dead in her tracks, but Lexa carried on moving forwards; she was almost there. She could deal with Indra later   
“I demand an explanation”

  
Lexa stopped and turned to her, a dangerous fury in her eyes.

  
“You demand nothing Indra” Lexa snarled “You are treading dangerous ground. Do not challenge me again. Do you understand?”

  
Indra stood defiantly

  
“I said, Do you understand?” Lexa repeated, her voice dangerously low

  
“ _Sha_ _Heda_ ” Indra said, bowing her head in submission “Sorry _Heda_ ”

  
Lexa turned back towards the skaihou and crossed the short distance without looking back; she could deal with Indra’s insolence later.

_

  
The healers had done everything they could, and had tried to reassure Lexa that Clarke would be fine. The fever was due to an infection in the cut in her arm, which had been able to take hold of her body so quickly due to Clarke’s severe dehydration and starvation. They assured her that it was the fever coupled with the minor head wound that was causing Clarke to drift in and out of consciousness, rather than anything more sinister. They had just left, promising they would be back in a few hours to change the dressings on her arm, and to apply more of the anteeinfek cream to fight the infection.

  
Lexa let out a deep sigh as silence descended on the room; alone at last.

  
She looked over at where the _skai_ _prinsa_ lay. She had lost so much weight; she looked gaunt and frail, so tiny amongst the furs draped over the bed. Her face looked relaxed and her breathing was even, so Lexa could only assume that wherever she was, she was happy.

  
Adrenaline was still coursing through her veins from the events of the past few days, and Lexa couldn’t bear to sit still. She paced around her room, the place where she felt safest. It had been a split second decision to have Clarke in there, she just couldn’t bear the thought of Clarke in some cold room floors away from her. She needed to be able to see her, to be able to protect her from any threats. She had come so close to losing her, just as she had lost her beloved Costia.

Costia.

The name still sent a stab of pain through her heart, even now, after all this time. Afterwards Lexa had sworn to herself that she would never love again, she couldn’t. She couldn’t have any weaknesses, and love was perhaps the biggest weakness of them all. She had kept herself distant from her people, never allowing herself to form emotional connections. To do that meant to put them in danger, and she would not put her people in danger willingly. She had believed that to be a strong commander was to be fearless, and to rule with an iron fist.

Whilst she still believed that being a good commander entailed these things, she had given up. Clarke had wormed her way into her heart and wasn’t leaving. Nearly losing her had made her see just how much she cared for the feisty girl, how much she needed her. Lexa was stronger when she was around; Clarke wasn’t afraid to challenge her, to remind her of what she stood for. She didn’t see the commander, she just saw Lexa - and it was nice.   
Lexa had fought against the feelings Clarke evoked in her for too long, and she didn’t want to fight them anymore.

  
There was no point, they had already won.

_

  
Clarke hadn't moved in days. She had remained perfectly motionless, still in the same place Lexa had carefully laid her three nights before. She was so still that Lexa periodically held her ear over Clarke’s mouth to make sure she was still breathing. Every time she felt the warm tickle of Clarke’s breath relief flooded over her.

  
Lexa had barely moved herself. She had remained with Clarke the whole time, pacing the room for hours, thinking about her people and the things she must do to keep peace. People came in and out; mostly to discuss Commander business. Titus had informed her that there had been whisperings of talk of uprisings in the azgeda region. She needed to talk to her ears in the azgeda camp; She didn’t trust their Quin, and she didn’t want to dismiss these whisperings as rumours for them to turn out to be true. She had only just escaped a war, and to enter another would be bad for her people.

  
Eventually she would grow tired; exhaustion finally creeping into every bone of her body like a fog. She would slump down into the chair next to the bed where Clarke lay and allow herself to drift into a light sleep.

  
“no” a murmur roused Lexa from the heaviness of sleep, and Lexa was immediately on the defensive, dagger drawn. She looked around, realising that the noise had come from Clarke.

  
“no, No, NO!” Clarke’s voice increased in volume, and her head thrashed around on the bed, eyes still shut. “Please, no. There has to be some other way! PLEASE!” her voice was frantic, and her body tense.

  
“Shhh _ai_ _hodness_ , it is okay” Lexa urged, trying to reassure the girl; this was the third nightmare in as many nights.

  
“I’m sorry! I had no choice!” She cried out, her voice breaking. The sound sent pain shooting through Lexa, she longed to ease the suffering of her _skai_ _prinsa_.

  
Clarke was becoming more and more frantic, her eyes screwed shut and her breathing increased to a rate that was surely not healthy. Lexa reached out an touched Clarke’s arm, Clarke tensed and Lexa immediately went to let go, but suddenly Clarke seemed to relax a little. Her features softened, and while she still thrashed around on the bed she seemed comforted by the contact. Slowly Lexa stood up and lowered herself onto the bed next to Clarke, laying down next to her and gently wrapping her arm around Clarke’s waist. Clarke had responded well to being held the past two nights, and Lexa hoped that it would bring Clarke the same comfort tonight as it had the past few nights.

  
Lexa laid with her until Clarke stopped thrashing, until her pained cries dissolved into incoherent mumblings. Most of what she was muttering under her breath could not be understood, but Clarke kept saying one thing over and over again

  
“All dead. They’re all dead.”

  
Lexa knew.

She knew what was troubling Clarke, and she let the guilt wash over her. It was because of her that Clarke was plagued by nightmares, it was due to her choice on the mountain; her choice to save her people over her love. A choice that, unbeknown to Clarke, is one that has haunted the commander ever since she made it that night on the mountain not so long ago.   
Clarke may hate her for the rest of her life, it is what Lexa deserves, but Lexa wanted to tell her what drove her to do it, explain why she betrayed her.

  
Clarke deserved to hear it.

——

  
“I never meant to hurt you Clarke. I wanted to stay by your side on that mountain, protect you from the evils of the _Maunon_. And now, I wish I could take your place. If I could take the burden of those deaths from you then I would in an instant.” Lexa murmured, her cheek still resting on Clarke’s head.

She hadn’t moved since she climbed on the bed last night to comfort the _Skai prisa_ , and she had not stopped talking to her. She had told Clarke everything, she had told her about Costia, and how her death still haunts her, how she feels responsible for it. She had told her about her deepest worries and fears, she had laid her soul out bare to the sleeping girl - something she had never done before. She had admitted things that she had ever admitted to even herself before, and she felt exhausted, yet it was somewhat freeing.

“I wanted to stay Clarke” her voice was quivering slightly “I never wanted to hurt you. Please don’t hate me” her voice broke on the last few words, and she held back a sob.

She wished she could turn back the time and for things to be different, yet she knew they wouldn’t. She knew that regardless of her feelings for Clarke, she made the right decision for her people, and that if faced with the choice again, she would always make the same one.

“I….I d-“ Clarke’s voice was heavy with sleep, and caught in her throat. She took a deep breath and cleared it “I don’t hate you Lexa”

  
Lexa looked down in shock, and instantly happiness and relief flooded through her with an alarming force.

  
“Clarke. You’re awake” She suddenly realised she was still curled around Clarke, her arm draped over her waist.

  
Clarke blinked a few times, her eyes looked like they were fighting to close, but Clarke was winning. She looked around the room, obviously disorientated.   
“How long have I been out?” 

Lexa sat up and put some distance between them.

  
“Three days” Lexa replied, fiddling with a loose thread on one of her furs. “You had a nasty infection in your arm, and a minor head injury. You barely moved at all, I thought i’d lost you for good”

  
Clarke forced a weak half smile “Can’t get rid of me that easily”

  
“Do not joke about such things Clarke, I would never try to get rid of you” Lexa said stiffly “I shall go get the _fisa_ , tell her you are awake.”

  
With that Lexa swept from the room, allowing herself to glance back at the girl in the bed only once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Ai hodnes - my love  
> fisa - healer  
> Skaihou - sky house (the big skyscraper in polis)  
> skai gada - sky girl  
> gadalukot - girlfriend (gada means girl, lukot means friend)  
> anteeinfek - antibiotics (anti-infection - i kinda made this one up)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I really enjoyed writing this chapter, especially the scene on the balcony :)  
> I'm aiming to update this fic every weekend (so once a week), and i will try my best to stick to that! :) 
> 
> As usual the translations are at the bottom :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

Clarke must have fallen asleep again, for when she next opened her eyes it was dark outside. The room was softly illuminated by a cluster of candles, and in front of her Lexa was curled up in a chair, seemingly sleeping. She took a moment to look, truly look, at the sleeping girl. Laid there with no war paint and no armour, the commander looked young, innocent. Her hardened mask was gone, her features relaxed in sleep. Clarke was taken aback with just how beautiful Lexa was; the soft light of the candles cast a soft glow over the gentle sloping of her cheekbones, and her hair was loose, tumbling down her shoulder in soft waves. Clarke felt the familiar urge to draw her, she wanted this part of Lexa documented forever; it was a rare sight to see the commander like this, stripped bare of all her defences - open and vulnerable.

Clarke brought her attention back to the room; it was grand, and unfamiliar. It occurred to her that she didn’t know where she was, and made a mental note to ask Lexa later. She made an internal assessment of her physical state; her limbs felt okay, stiff from lack of movement, and the gash on her arm was healing, the infection nearly gone. Her head felt better, the incessant throbbing that had been present when she first opened her eyes was all but gone. She gingerly lifted her head up, propping herself up on her elbows. When she didn’t pass out, she took it as a good sign and slowly sat up, taking a minute to recover as the blood rushed away from her head, leaving her slightly dizzy. So far so good - now for standing. She carefully swung her legs over the side of the bed, and was shocked to see how thin they were; she quickly scanned her body and saw how bones jutted out where they didn’t before - she had lost a lot of weight since she left camp Jaha.

She had no idea how long it had been since she’d left Bellamy and the rest of her people; it felt like it was a lifetime ago. She buried that thought away in the back of her mind - thinking of her people made her think of what she had done to save them at that mountain.

She cleared her mind and set about attempting to get up. She shuffled closer towards the edge of the bed, the opposite side to where Lexa lay sleeping in the chair, until she felt her feet touch the cold, hard floor. She took a deep breath and stood, her muscles doing all they could to keep her on her feet; they were weak from the lack of movement, and the starvation. Her vision went black and she blindly grabbed onto the bedpost for support while her head swam as the blood rushed to her feet. She took deep, shaky breaths, willing her muscles to keep her standing. It only took a few moments for her to regain her sight, and for her head to stop spinning. She gingerly took a step forward, ignoring the screamed protest from her body. She felt so weak, and she was ravenous. She wondered when the last time she had food was, then she caught herself wondering when the last time the commander had eaten, finding herself oddly worried about Lexa’s welfare.

She had meant what she said to Lexa; she didn’t hate her. She didn’t think she ever really had; she had been angry at herself, and in her head she had been desperate to be angry at Lexa for what she did. But she couldn’t, because she understood. She knew that had the situations been reversed, she would have done what Lexa did without a second thought; telling herself any different would be a lie. She was glad Lexa had found her in the woods; she realised now that she hadn’t wanted to die, she just wanted to suffer, she had needed to suffer.

She walked over to the balcony, where the moonlight was streaming into the room, mixing with the candlelight. She needed to feel the air on her face, to remind her that she was still here, still Clarke. She looked up into the sky and saw the stars, so tiny and beautiful. How had her life ended up here? If someone had told her that in a few years time she would be on the ground, sleeping in the same room - albeit temporarily - as the commander, _Heda_ of the 12 clans, and running away from the people she had lead, the people she had kept alive, she would have laughed in their face.

She had dreamed of the ground alongside her father, drawn sketches of it’s beauty, devoured every picture of the earth in every book she could get her hands on. She had longed to set foot on its surface, and had dreamt of a better life.

Well here she was after falling from the sky, and while the earth was breathtakingly beautiful, she wasn’t sure they had found a better way of life. yet.

“Clarke” a sharp voice came from behind her, Clarke whirled around to face Lexa “You should not be up”

Lexa’s stoic expression had settled onto her face, and Clarke wondered if she had ever consciously let anyone see the Lexa behind the mask.

“I woke up” Clarke said, unable to think of anything other than how strikingly beautiful those eyes were

“Evidently” The commander’s lip twitched upwards, just for a second. She said nothing more; the grounders were not big with their words.

Lexa moved silently over to stand next to Clarke. Illuminated in the moonlight, Clarke could fully appreciate her beauty. She looked so…different. Lexa was wearing a green nightgown of sorts; it was long and flowing, but it fit to Lexa’s form, almost as if it was an extension of her skin. It billowed around her ankles in the soft breeze. It had only 2 thin straps over the shoulder, showing off the most bare skin Clarke had ever seen Lexa expose, and it was the same beautiful tan as her face. Looking at Lexa stood tall, staring out over her sleeping people, took Clarke’s breath away. She radiated authority and power, yet Clarke knew there was a soft side to Lexa; she’d seen how caring and gentle Lexa could be.

Clarke shifted her attention back to the sky.

“I wish my dad could see this” she said after a while, smiling sadly

Lexa turned her head to look at her

“He can” she said, matter of factly “His spirit lives on Clarke”

Clarke sighed softly

“We used to dream about the ground, he and I” she began. For some reason unbeknown to her, it suddenly felt important that Lexa heard this. “He told me stories of the animals, of the plants, of all the things we would do when we got to earth.” She looked to the horizon “Of woods and rivers and lakes and beaches. Beaches where the sun shone, and the sand was warm between our toes, and the water lapped on the shore where the children played.” She felt tears forming, and she blinked them away.

Lexa’s expression was softer now, more gentle. They were silent for a while, but it was a comfortable silence. Clarke was somewhat surprised when it was Lexa who eventually broke the silence. 

“There is a beach not far from here” She said, her voice even and somewhat commanding. Clarke wondered if she could ever sound anything but. “I could take you”

Lexa looked at Clarke almost shyly, and once again Clarke felt herself falling for her a little bit more

“I would like that” Clarke replied, taking a step towards lexa so that their shoulders touched ever so slightly. Lexa smiled, properly this time, and gave a curt nod

“Then it shall be done, _strik_ _skaifaya_.” She declared, then held a hand to Clarke’s head “As soon as you are well”

  
——

Lexa had only allowed her to stay out on the balcony for a short while longer, before ushering her back into the room - Lexa’s room, she had found out - and back into the bed, muttering about how she was going to make herself ill again.

“Lexa, i’ll be fine” Clarke assured her “I am more than capable of getting into bed by myself” she continued as Lexa tried to lift her into the bed

“I am sure you are” Lexa said “I am just making sure you do not injure yourself further. You are quite clumsy sometimes, _klark_ _kom_ _skaikru_ ”

With that she swept Clarke up in her arms as if she weighed nothing at all, and gently placed her down on the bed. She then set about arranging the many furs around Clarke.

“You are quite sweet sometimes, _Leksa_   _kom_ _trikru_ ” Clarke grinned

Clarke’s stomach growled loudly

“You are hungry” Lexa said, her mask returning somewhat “I shall have had food brought up for you.”

Lexa turned and made towards the door.

“Hey” Clarke said, causing her to stop

“Yes, _Klark_ ”

“Hurry back?” Clarke asked, her eyes hopeful and her heart beating unnervingly fast, though it had no reason to, she was simply asking the commander if she would come back.

“As you wish” Lexa replied, and Clarke swore she saw the hint of a smile grace the commander’s lips before she strode out of the room, her footsteps echoing down the hall.

——

  
Lexa had returned a short while later, arms laden with food. When Clarke had questioned just how many people Lexa was going to feed with it, Lexa muttered something about not knowing what food Clarke liked, so she had brought them all.  
Lexa had warned Clarke not to eat too fast, but when presented with strips of meat and berries and pastries and bread and all with such a mouthwatering aroma, all self control went out of the window. She gorged herself on food until she was sure she could fit no more in. Immediately after stopping eating, her stomach began to churn violently, and she only just had time to dash to the bathroom before it set about emptying it’s contents.  
When she had padded back into the bedroom and climbed back into bed, she glared at Lexa’s ‘i told you so’ that was so evident upon her face.

They had talked a little, but a lot of the time was spent in comfortable silence; grounders were not people of many words, and Clarke found herself growing to like that.

They were sat in silence right now; Clarke was looking at Lexa, watching the even rise and fall of her chest. Lexa was staring off into the distance, probably mulling over Commander business; she didn’t seem like one to easily separate business from the rest of her life. Being the commander was not just her job, it was a part of her. Clarke couldn’t hold back the yawn that escaped her lips, as the sleepless nights in the forest finally caught up with her.

Lexa’s eyes snapped back to hers

“You are tired” Lexa noted, standing up to leave “I shall leave you to rest”

Clarke’s heart sank at the thought of the commander leaving her in this strange room on her own. She hated going to sleep now, ever since the mountain. She feared the nightmares that would inevitably come, and she feared being alone.

Lexa must have noticed the change in Clarke’s expression, because she stopped in her tracks.

“What is wrong, _klark_?”

“Stay?” Clarke asked, not daring to look the other girl in her eyes. “Please?” She couldn’t keep the hopefulness from her voice.

Clarke could see the indecision in Lexa’s eyes, she seemed hesitant. Clarke thought she was going to leave, but then something changed, and Lexa nodded and went to sit in the chair again. It didn’t look comfortable in the slightest, and it was too far away. Clarke wanted Lexa closer, she wanted to feel the warmth of her skin. She longed for closeness.  
Clarke reached out and grabbed the commander’s wrist, Lexa looked almost stunned at the action. Clarke fought the urge to let go.

“Would you lie with me?” She asked hesitantly, not sure if she was overstepping the mark “I just need….” she trailed off, unsure how to finish. _you_ , she thought silently to herself. _I_ _need_ _you_.

Lexa nodded stiffly, but Clarke could have sworn there was happiness in her eyes. She wondered if this was the first time Lexa had let herself get this close to another human being, in such a vulnerable way, since Costia.

Lexa silently moved around the bed, extinguishing the candles and climbing in gently, so as not to jostle the bed. Clarke marvelled at the way she seemed to move like a shadow, like a ghost.  
Lexa laid stiffly on her back, staring up at the ceiling as if she were scared to move.

“It’s okay, I don’t bite” Clarke muttered, amusement in her voice.

Lexa looked confused

“I never thou-”

“It’s a saying” Clarke said, rolling her eyes and cutting her off before the commander could get herself even more confused.

“Your people have stupid sayings” Lexa huffed

Clarke rolled onto her side so she could see Lexa properly. She stared in silence for a few moments, before another yawn fought its way out of her mouth.

“Go to sleep, _klark_ of the sky people”

“I’m not tired” Clarke protested, feeling like a petulant child.

It’’s not that she wasn’t tired; she was exhausted, but she was scared of falling asleep. She was scared of the images and tortured screams that would no doubt come once she closed her eyes. Sleep was no longer an escape; it was torture. A rush of emotion swept over her so violently that she suddenly couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened to fall; she was so tired of everything, and she was scared. She was scared of the nightmares, she was scared of rejection, she was scared that if she made one wrong move then her people would die, or a war would be declared. She was scared of the responsibility she held, and she didn’t want it anymore. She just wanted to be Clarke.

She turned her face into the pillow and couldn’t hold back the muffled sob that escaped her body.

“ _Klark_?” There was worry in Lexa’s voice “Are you hurt? Shall I get the fisa?”

Clarke uncovered her face, trying to hold herself together.

“It’s not that” Clarke said, looking anywhere but at Lexa “I’m not hurt”

“Then what is it, ai hodness?” Lexa murmured with a gentleness in her voice that Clarke had never heard before, not like this. Lexa hesitantly lifted her hand and delicately brushed a strand of hair away from Clarke’s face; Clarke leaned into the touch.

“I’m scared” She admitted quietly

“Of what?”

“Of falling asleep”

Lexa gently rolled onto her side, scooting closer to Clarke. She gently place her arm around Clarke’s side, looking up at her, silently asking if it was alright. Clarke just moved in even closer, wrapping her arms around Lexa; she knew that Lexa understood, and she felt safer. She buried her head in lexa’s chest, and for the first time since the mountain, she let herself cry. She cried for the people she’d lost, and the people she’d killed.  
But most of all she cried for the Clarke who died the moment they reached the ground.

She cried for the person she used to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Strik skaifaya - little star


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick(ish) little chapter to tide you over to the next update :) Life has been manic this week! I've had chemistry exams and i've been super busy!  
> Hope you enjoy! :)

  
Clarke woke up to the sound of birds chirping outside the window, and the busy sounds of the already thriving market. Lexa had told her she was in Polis, and had promised to show her around.  
Clarke prised her eyes open, her eyelids heavy with sleep, and found herself looking into those startlingly green eyes.

“Good morning _klark_ ” Lexa murmured, the soft sunlight making her skin almost glow “Did you sleep well?”

“no nightmares?” she half said, half asked. She didn’t remember any, but she wanted to be sure.

Lexa smiled and shook her head.

For the first time since the mountain, Clarke felt well-rested. She was warm and content; she didn’t ever want to move from here. Lexa’s arm was still wrapped around her, and their foreheads were almost touching. Clarke could feel the gentle tickle of Lexa’s breath on her neck. Lexa looked so relaxed and youthful.

“You look happy” Clarke noted, gently tucking one of Lexa’s curls behind her ear. Lexa’s eyes flickered shut, and the corners of her mouth tugged up.

“I am” She murmured “I am always happy when I am with you”

Clarke felt her heart swell; she knew Lexa cared for her, but it was different to hear it. It made her want to kiss Lexa, right here, right now.  
But she didn’t.  
She didn’t want to spoil the moment; the commander found it so hard to express emotion, to let her guard down. She didn’t want to go too quickly, and for Lexa to put back up all her carefully contracted walls. She loved the commander, but she loved Lexa even more.

“You make me happy too” Clarke said, and Lexa opened her eyes. She looked so joyful, so young and carefree.

“How are you today?” Lexa asked, looking at Clarke with a scrutinising gaze “You look better”

“I feel better” She replied truthfully. Her head was no longer hurting at all, and her arm seemed to be healing just fine; it itched slightly, but that was part of the healing process. Whatever concoctions the _fisa_ had given her were almost as good as the antibiotics they had back on the Ark.

Lexa narrowed her eyes disbelievingly

“Honestly Lexa, I feel great” She insisted “My arm is healing well, and my head has recovered nicely”

Lexa sighed, reluctantly believing her. Clarke knew that if Lexa had her way she would be confined to bed rest for at least the next week. She knew that Lexa just wanted her to be safe and get better, but Clarke was itching to get out; she was desperate to move, to explore the bustling city below.

Lexa seemed to sense this

“Well then, _Klark_ _kom_ _skaikru_ ” Lexa began, her eyes sparkling with barely concealed excitement “I shall show you Polis”

——

“I must look ridiculous” Clarke complained as Lexa slid a small dagger into the holder she had just attached to Clarke’s thigh.

“Quite the opposite” Lexa disagreed, standing back to look at Clarke, her eyes lingering over her body “I think you look nice” She trailed off

“You’re just saying that” Clarke replied stubbornly

Lexa tore her eyes away from Clarke and cleared her throat

“You look one of us” She said, a smile on her face “I like it”

Clarke’s clothes had been ruined when she fell, and so until she could get some clothes of her own, Lexa had found something of her own for Clarke to wear. She wasn’t going to lie, Clarke liked the fact that they were Lexa’s clothes; they smelt of her, and it felt special, like she was wearing a part of Lexa too.

Lexa had refused to let her go out without weapons; she pretended it was to do with looks, and that Clarke had to keep her reputation of being Wanheda, commander of death. Apparently that was what she was known as now amongst the grounders, and stories of how she defeated the maunon. had spread through the 12 clans like wildfire, each one becoming more elaborate than the one before. She was talked about with respect, and the children re-enacted the ‘battle’.  
Clarke hated it, she hated how the murder of innocents had been warped into being a good thing, but Lexa had urged her to take advantage of the respect she now had; grounders don’t offer it up often. Lexa had told her she needed to look fearsome, she needed to keep their respect, and carrying weapons around would help. She couldn’t look weak.

Clarke knew there was another reason Lexa wanted her to be armed; Lexa wanted to keep her safe, she wanted Clarke to be able to protect herself, should something happen.

Lexa led Clarke to a mirror in the corner that she had not noticed before, and Clarke was shocked by what she saw; Lexa was right, Clarke looked like a grounder.  
Lexa had insisted upon braiding her hair back, which was actually quite nice as it kept it out of her face, but it made her look different. She looked somewhat fiercer, and stood next to Lexa she thought they looked like equals.

They looked like a deadly couple.

“Are you ready?” Lexa said with a smile

Clarke took one last look at herself before turning to Lexa, once again being temporarily taken aback by the beauty of the woman stood in front of her. Excitement suited her, Clarke decided; It made her eyes sparkle and a smile tug at her lips. She had only seen it a few times, but Clarke swore that Lexa’s smile was the most beautiful sight she could ever see.

“Ready” she grinned

——

Polis was breathtaking.

There were people everywhere, of all ages; mothers cradling their young whilst bargaining with the market stall owners, children darting in and out of the throng of people, groups of men stood admiring the weapons. Clarke was swept up in the magic of it all; it was like a scene from one of the old movies they had on the Ark, it hardly seemed real.

Lexa steered her in the direction of a different street slightly further ahead, crammed with people. They had no problem getting through, the sea of people parted effortlessly to let their leader through, heads bowed in respect as she passed.

“Over here” Lexa murmered, her lips so close to Clarke’s ear that she could feel the warm tickle of her breath on her shoulder. It sent tingles down Clarke’s spine. _Focus_ _Clarke_. She reminded herself, looking in the direction Lexa was pointing.

Right in front of her were what seemed like dozens of stalls and huts, all with merchants selling different items; there was fish and meat, weapons and clothing, foreign fruits and vegetables in so many different colours Clarke could hardly believe it. Clarke could smell something delicious, and she found herself gravitating towards it. Sure enough she came upon the source of the smell; a stall selling dozens of different types of pastries and cakes, all of which made Clarke’s stomach rumble.

Lexa laughed softly, so quietly it was badly noticeable.

“This is _Livna_ , Her goods are famous in Polis” Lexa told Clarke. Lexa turned to the woman “ _Ha_ _yu_ _Livna_?” Lexa adressed the woman, her voice soft.

The woman smiled at Lexa

“ _Ai_ _ste_ _os_ _Heda_ ” She replied warmly, and Clarke sensed a familiarity between the two.

The woman turned to face Clarke, pushing a warm pastry into her hands

“For you, Wanheda” She said, bowing her head

Clarke was taken aback; she had never been bowed to before, she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t want to take this woman’s produce without paying fairly, yet she was given no choice.  
She wanted to thank the woman, but she didn’t know the words. She looked to Lexa for help. Lexa seemed to understand what she wanted, and whispered it in her ear.

“ _Mochof_ , _Livna_ ”

The woman smiled even wider, and nodded her head curtly. Lexa and her excahnged a few more words in trigedaslang before Lexa steered her away.

They spent the rest of their morning this way; wandering through the streets, sampling produce and talking to the people of Polis. Lexa was different when she was not at war, she was kinder to her people than Clarke thought she would be. For some reason Clarke had believed that Lexa ruled with an iron fist, and while that may still be true, she also cared for her people a great deal.

Eventually the buzz of the market seemed to die down, and people returned to their houses and places of work, carrying on with their daily lives. Clarke and Lexa made their way back to the giant skyscraper in the centre; Clarke wasn't even sure what it was called, but it was huge.

“Are you hungry?” Lexa asked once they were back in her room

“A little” Clarke admitted - her stomach decided to take that moment to agree, loudly. Lexa laughed.

“Good.” She declared, tossing Clarke a long riding cloak before putting on her light armour, and her shoulder guard. Obviously they were going somewhere then, Clarke thought to herself. “I have a surprise for you, if you’d like” Lexa half asked, half said.

“Am I allowed to know what this surprise is?”

Lexa looked at her as if she had gone mad

“Of course not.” She said, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion “It is a surprise. You do know what one is?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, causing a smile to tug at Lexa’s lips

“ _Shof_ _op_ _Leska_ ” She protested, gently shoving her.

Lexa looked at her in shock, before it melted away and was replaced by a wide smile; a true smile, from the heart. Clarke hadn’t realised just how much it would mean to Lexa that she had been learning, well _trying_ to learn, her language. In all honestly, she hadn’t really realised she had said it in trigedasleng; she’d been so submerged in the language for the past few days that it actually seemed familiar.

“Come, _Klark_ _kom_ _skaikru_ ” Lexa said, steering her out of the door “Your surprise awaits.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Ha yu - How are you  
> Ai ste os - I am good


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was late! Updates may be a little more irregular for the next 53 (Totally not counting down till my exams are over...) days as i'm about to start my A2 exams in the next few weeks, so need to focus on those!
> 
> This is a sort of filler, a nice fluffy chapter :) I enjoyed writing this scene, let me know what you guys think!
> 
> (P.S - I wrote it whilst listening to 'Drop your Guard' by Jasmine Thompson, a great song and an awesome voice.)

“Where are you taking me?” Clarke muttered for the millionth time

“Patience, sky girl” Lexa replied, navigating the woodland with ease. “It is not much further”

Clarke’s legs were aching, and she was worn out; She may have been feeling much better, but her muscles were still weak from her starvation. They had ridden most of the way, but a few miles back Lexa had declared the woodland too dense for the horses, and had tied them up next to a stream. Lexa was carrying a large leather satchel of sorts, yet she showed no signs of tiring, unlike Clarke.

Thankfully, even Clarke - who was not used to the layout of the woods - could see that the dense forest was thinning out, and the hints of daylight were breaking through the dense canopy above her. The woods were alive with sounds, but in addition to the sounds Clarke had grown to expect, there was another, unidentifiable sound; it was a sound Clarke was not familiar with, and it intrigued her.

“Good. Because in case you haven’t noticed, i’m not superhuman like you” Clarke grumbled, almost tripping up over a loose tree root.

“You really should watch where you are putting your feet, _skai_ _prisa_ ” Lexa replied, a smile playing on her lips. Clarke could almost hear the laughter in her voice.

“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind Lexa” Clarke muttered darkly, the heat and exhaustion souring her mood “Besides, there were no stupid roots to trip over in the Ark”

Lexa doubled back and grabbed Clarke’s hand; Clarke felt her skin light on fire, a jolt of electricity shooting down her body at the contact. Clarke let herself be pulled along by Lexa, whose nimble feet easily found the best route through the undergrowth. She stopped looking at her feet, instead she focussed on Lexa. She watched the way she effortlessly moved through the trees, becoming one with the woodland around her; she saw the was her muscles rippled under her black undershirt - at some point during the trek Lexa had removed her overcoat, something which Clarke was thankful for.

“Close your eyes” Lexa commanded softly, stopped in her tracks

“Why?” Clarke replied, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion

“Just do it” Lexa demanded, impatience and something that sounded almost like excitement tinging her voice.

Clarke hesitated, and Lexa obviously decided she had waited long enough, and moved behind Clarke, wrapping her hands around Clarke’s eyes. The sudden blindness was disorientating, and Clarke desperately tried to prise Lexa’s hands away, but to no avail.

“You better not be leading me to my death commander” she joked lightly, trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of being led blindly through the remainder of the forest. She wondered how far it was to go, when suddenly the ground changed beneath her feet, and she felt the sun on her skin.

The air seemed fresher, and there was a funny tang to it…it was almost _salty_.

“We’re here” Lexa murmured, her breath tickling the back of Clarke’s neck. A shiver ran through her.

“Can I see?” She asked, motioning to Lexa’s hands, which here still covering her eyes

Lexa didn’t say a word, and silently moved away, uncovering Clarke’s eyes.

It took a moment to adjust to the blinding brightness, but once she did she was astounded by the sight. The first thing she registered was the water; a vast expanse of it, a mix of the most beautiful blues she had ever seen in her life. The deep blue on the horizon blended seamlessly into turquoise as it neared the shore, and right where it met the shore it was crystal clear.  
Quite simply, it was breathtaking.

The beach was just as her dad has described it, but better. She felt so close to him, like he was there with her, experiencing that moment too. He had longed to come to earth, and she knew he would have given anything to have been there with her, to have felt the hot sand between his toes and to smell the salt in the air.

Long suppressed emotion bubbled to the surface, and Clarke found her knees giving way as the pain of her father’s death wracked through her in big, racking sobs. She couldn’t stop herself; the anguish and grief she had buried deep inside for years had finally making an appearance, refusing to let itself go unfelt. Clarke felt like she was breaking into a million pieces, she felt like she would never be whole again. Her whole world had been turned upside down the day her father was floated. She missed him so much she thought she would burst.  
Suddenly she became aware of strong arms holding her close, and a soothing voice murmuring trigedasleng into her ear. The gentle murmurs anchored her, and slowly the sobbing decreased in intensity, before ebbing away altogether. Clarke felt exhausted, but she also felt…good. Like all that emotion had needed to be set free, she had needed to allow herself to release it.

After a few moments she turned to face Lexa, who was sitting next to her on the sand, her arms wrapped around Clarke, pulling her in. Lexa’s face was knitted with concern, and she looked pained.

“I’m sorry” Clarke whispered, her voice slightly hoarse

“You never have to apologise to me _Strik_ _Skaifaya_ ” Lexa urged, and her voice was soft and gentle. “I am sorry too, I thought you would like the beach. I said I would take you and yo-“

“It’s not that Lexa” She promised “I love it, I really do. It’s just, it made me think of my dad, and I felt things that i’d never really let myself feel before.”

Lexa nodded in understanding

“Do you really like the beach?” Lexa asked after a while

“It’s beautiful” Clarke replied honestly, looking out past the vast expanse of the ocean

“Like you” Lexa murmured, so quietly it was a barely detectable, and Clarke almost thought she had imagined it. But one look at the expression on the other girl’s face and she knew she hadn’t.

“And you” She replied, her heart in her mouth.

Lexa turned to her, looking into her eyes, her green eyes studying her, almost as if she was searching for something.   
The sunlight illuminated Lexa’s features, and she looked truly beautiful. She looked serene, and happy. Clarke had seen the carefully contracted mask of heda, she had seen her worried, she had seen her sleeping, she had seen her relaxed. But never had Clarke seen her as happy as she looked in that moment. Lexa had always had a part of herself locked away, guarded from pain, but there, on the beach, the guards were down. Lexa was allowing Clarke to see her properly, to see her without a mask.   
A rush of something strong crashed over her, and it took her a moment before she identified what it was; love.   
But it wasn’t directed at her father, it was directed at the girl standing beside her, looking slightly nervous. The girl who had found her and saved her, who had refused to leave her side whilst she was unconscious. The girl who had laid with her whilst she slept, warding off the nightmares and flashbacks that came with sleep.   
Clarke felt the last few stabs of anger, of betrayal, fade away, and in that moment she realised something.  
She was falling in love with Lexa, and she had made up her mind.

“Lexa” She said softly, drinking in the beauty of the girl before her “I’m ready now”

In a heartbeat Lexa leaned in and her lips were on Clarke’s, her hand reaching around and tangling itself in Clarke’s braids. Clarke’s hand rested on the small of Lexa’s back, and she was oblivious to everything except the feeling of Lexa’s lips on her own. They were so soft, and she tasted earthy. The kiss was unlike any other Clarke had experienced before; electricity coursed through her veins, ultimately settling between her legs. Clarke flicked her tongue against Lexa’s lips, seeking entry, something Lexa gladly granted. She explored Lexa’s mouth with a fiery passion, and the feeling of Lexa’s tongue in her own mouth made her whimper quietly. The kiss was heating up, lips becoming more forceful, tongues crashing against each other. Lexa nipped at Clarke’s lower lip, earning a sharp intake of breath, and causing a shudder to run through her body, stoking the fire between her legs.   
They kissed for what seemed like forever, time seemingly standing still. They kissed until it was clear that they had to stop before they reached the point of no return, and neither of them were ready for that… _yet_. No matter whether their bodies were trying to tell them otherwise.

They finally broke apart, panting slightly, drawing air into their lungs. Clarke could still taste the woodsy scent of Lexa, and she smiled. She was so happy. Her emotions had done a U-turn; she had gone from feeling so broken, to feeling on top of the world.

Lexa’s face was flushed, something Clarke had never seen before, and she looked slightly ragged; a stark contrast to usual - Lexa was always so put together. Lexa was smiling, and Clarke swore it was the biggest smile she had ever seen on Lexa’s usually stoic face.

Lexa laid back against the sand, and pulled Clarke with her. Clarke laid her head on Lexa’s chest, closed her eyes, and fell asleep to the gentle rise and fall of Lexa’s chest, and the crashing of the waves against the shore.   
For the first time since she arrived on earth, she felt at peace.  
She felt safe.

— —

She came round to the feel of Lexa tracing small circles along her arm, the sun still high in the sky. Clarke had no idea how long they had been on the beach, but time seemed to stand still there. It was somewhere where they could be themselves; not Heda and Wanheda, just Lexa and Clarke.

“Hey” she smiled, her voice thick with sleep

Lexa smiled back at her, the most peaceful she had ever been

“Hi” Lexa replied. She looked slightly distant, lost in thought

“What are you thinking about?”

Lexa’s eyes seemed to refocus, and she shifted position

“You” Lexa stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Lexa was nothing if not honest.

“Lexa?”

“Yes _klark_?”

“What does _strik_ _skaifaya_ mean? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, it’s just that you say it a lot and-” She rushed her words out, instantly regretting them. Lexa could close off at the littlest things, and Clarke didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment. She needn't have worried, as Lexa just smiled softly

“It means little star” Lexa shifted her weight onto her other arm “I can stop if you do not like it”

“No, I like it” Clarke assured her “It’s…sweet, like you. You have a soft side, Commander”

“If you tell anyone, I will have to kill you” Lexa replied, her face stoic and unreadable. For a moment Clarke thought she was serious, but then a huge grin spread over her face and Clarke relaxed. Lexa was joking.   
Lexa was actually joking.

Lexa suddenly stood up, and Clarke sat up, startled by the sudden movement.

“Lexa, what are you doing?” She questioned, as Lexa began pulling off her clothes. Clarke had to stop herself from gasping at the sight of Lexa with no shirt on. Her muscles were perfectly toned, and her olive skin was decorated in swirling black designs. She really was beautiful.

Once she was in just her bindings and undershorts, Lexa pulled Clarke up by the hand.

“Come, _Klark_ _kom_ _skaikru_ , we are going swimming”

“I don’t know how to swim!” Clarke protested, but she began to get undressed anyway. For once in her life, she didn’t feel self conscious. Lexa had this way of making her at ease with herself, both internally and externally.

“Then I shall teach you!” Lexa said, her green eyes dancing with excitement, with life. Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her across the sandy beach, towards the water.

They stayed in the water long after their feet had gone numb from the cold, and the sun had begun to set. If anyone had seen them in that secluded haven, they would have seen two ordinary girls, two _children_ , having fun - no worries in the world.  
On that beach, in that moment, they were free; free to leave their titles behind, and the burdens that came with them.  
They were free to be themselves.


	7. authors note- not a chapter (basically me apologising profusely for the wait)

Hey,

so i'm sorry this isn't a chapter, but i promise this fic WILL be updated soon. 

I'm so sorry that i have been so bad with updating, but i promise that i haven't abandoned it! 

Basically, I have a conditional offer for medicine in september providing i get my grades, so my focus has had to be 100% on my exams, which are currently in full swing (5 to go!!! whoooo). They finish next thursday, so after that i will be able to focus on this fic a little more. I have NOT forgotten about it :) 

hopefully you guys can bear with me for just a few more days (well like a week and a bit), then i'm all yours! :) 

I also want to thank everyone who has left kudos - it makes my day every time :) 

E x 

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully i should be updating in the next few days :)


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